Welcome to Dev's World

Fuck Up

2012-02-04T11:02:00.000-08:00

Last Friday, my very own father called me a "fuck up," as I was getting ready to leave for school. Because I denied his request to mop the floor, which hasn't been done since I last did it, which I received blisters on my hands from cleaning so hard and so much. My policy is I don't mind taking care of and cleaning up after my father and own family, but I REFUSE to clean up after his girlfriend, her son(s), her dogs, and her cats. That is not my responsibility, nor weight to carry. I don't even think my father's girlfriend knows HOW TO mop the floor. Pretty sad huh. Well because of this little fight, it escalated into I'm a fuck up and I need to pay him his rent money or find a new place to live. Oh and mop the floor in between school and work. I gave in. I mopped the floor and wrote out my rent check. And I have been avoiding my father ever since.

It's miserable living at home. I desperately wish for a place of my own. A place to call home, built on positivity, love, and support. School seems to be going at such a slow pace. I'm trying to complete the prerequisites for admittance into the dental hygiene program at SJVC. The dental program at Taft is 2 years long... SJVC is only 16 weeks!! I'm so eager to hurry up the process.

The words my father calls me, still hurts to this day. Other words like pathetic and worthless repeat in my head. It's hard to try not to "care" or believe that what my father says is true. I question his word use and reasoning. I'm sorry I'm a failure to you, dad.

I'm so desperate to create a home and family of my own. I want to build a life with the man I love, and do what we think and know is best. I want to live comfortably, and provide for my man, family, and home physically and emotionally. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to be...

He guards the steps of his faithful ones,

but the wicked perish in darkness,

for no one succeeds by his own strength.

1 Samuel 2:9

Simple

2011-12-09T15:33:00.000-08:00

Always be yourself. Never try to hide who you are. The only shame is to have shame. Always stand up for what you believe in. Always question what other people tell you. Never regret the past. It's a paste of time. There's a reason for everything. Every mistake, every moment of weakness, every terrible thing that has happened to you. Grow from it. The only way you can ever get the respect of others is when you show them that you respect yourself and mostly importantly, do your thing and never apologize for being you.

Going Somewhere

2011-11-24T21:36:00.000-08:00

In a few days, I get to register for classes. I haven't felt any more determined then I do now. 26 and half years old, and I got nothing to show for! But that's okay. My goal is to be in my career by the time I'm 30. I know what I want to do now: dental hygienist. I'm going to try my hardest. Not give up! And finish this shizzzznizz.

Where Ever You Are

2011-10-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

For all have sinned, and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

To him therefore who knows to do good, and doesn’t do it, to him it is sin. James 4:17

Where ever you are. It amazes me that you have the courage and dignity to lay your head at night to rest. It amazes me that you have no consciousness. You have become a child's nightmare. A father's worst fear. And your selfishness has consumed you to the point that there is NO pity party for yourself. Quite honestly, you are a disgrace. Lost cause. No matter how depressed, tortured, or low-life you have become, there are people that have experienced MUCH WORST. And yet they still have the desire to live and do good. Granted we have ALL made mistakes, done things we shouldn't have, and probably were a little greedy and selfish at one point or another... but we snapped out of it. We all sin. We all make bad decisions. Most of us learn or pay the consequences for our actions. Karma is a bitch.

"What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others." --Pericles

Trust Me

2011-08-30T23:54:00.000-07:00

trust (trst)

noun.

firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

Alternative definition:

firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character or a person or thing.

Trust is like a vase... once it's broken, though you can fix it, the vase won't ever be the same.

Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart.

"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone -- but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy."

-Walter Anderson

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough."

-Frank Crane

"Let this be my last word, that I trust in your love."

-Rabindranath Tagore

Strongest Survive

2011-07-24T18:23:00.000-07:00

Been thinking a lot lately. Mostly about things I don't have but really want. I guess mostly I'm mind boggled about how some women are such a disgrace to society! So many women I know of that has thrown a "near perfect," most American girl's dream-of-a-life, down the drain! Trading the loving & supportive man, cute family, everything handed to them on a silver platter for the rancid single party life. Really? Ohhh gosh I get so frustrated. At some point I hope they realize how badly they screwed up! And a super BIG thanks to women like this; they have hurt and screwed over the men who loved, supported, and cherished them. Leaving these men extra cautious and scared to commit to another woman or love again. Granted, I know this has happened vice versa also. But the reason I have thought so deeply about this, is because these women are ruining it for all the good women out there who dream of having what they didn't want! Ya hear?!

Something is Missing

2011-06-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

Well I'm getting back on track. Got a job -- finally. Starting to get caught up on my bills. Big thanks to my dad to support me thru all this. He's my rock. I really wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. I'm so thankful for him.

Things are getting better for me. But I can't help but dream and wish for things I really want.

A lover.

A family of my own.

I want that security and attention. Reassurance and unconditional love. Company and a companion.

True, Real, and Love

2011-05-26T11:58:00.000-07:00

true: in accordance with fact or reality.

real: actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact; not imagined or supposed.

love: an intense feeling of deep affection.

I pray and I hope that you really are the one. I hope that I can continue to trust you and believe in what you say and do. You treat me better than any man has before. I love the way you are around me. You can be yourself. You make me laugh!! And I have so much fun with you. I hope this love continues to grow. I hope your sister is right about her predictions. I think about you all the time. ♥♥

Not Me

2011-05-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to hurt you or break your heart. I'm going to treat you right like you deserve. I'll be the best for you and to you, and also your daughter. She deserves it too. Your heart is safe with me. I know it's hard to trust, but you won't be disappointed. I'll never let you down.

Last night you called me your girlfriend. I can't tell you how much joy that brought me. Even though it was probably a mistake... it made me feel special for a period of time.

Work It Girl

2011-05-03T12:04:00.000-07:00

Well I'm about to get pumped up and motivated to lose 7-10 lbs. Not very happy that I put this weight on. And I'd feel ten times better if I lost the extra weight. I turn 26 in 6 days. It's also time to get my hair done, maybe it's time for a change!!

I'm going to go take my vitamins and head to the gym! Ciao bella.

Clingy!

2011-04-26T01:05:00.000-07:00

I can't help but laugh. And then slowly the anger and hate eat me from the inside out. Boys play games. Mind fuck the shit out of you. Tell you EVERYTHING you want to hear, just to get something they want.

I guess it's time to show them who's really winning. Take a dirt nap with the rest of them, dude. Adios.

All I Have

2011-04-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

So I have a lot on my plate. Which is nothing new. I have the worst luck!! Ha. Well, it sure doesn't stop me from being optimist about my future. Staying positive and as strong as I can be. Even though I know I can be better. That's just me -- I'm always hard on myself.

First things first. I have to get a job ASAP!! I need one. My reserves are now gone, and I have yet to receive an unemployment check! Next and most importantly, I need to get college set up for this fall. I want to go to Taft College and I plan to go thru the dental hygienist program. I'm very excited about it, because for once I actually feel like this is something I want to do!

Secondly, I want to better my relationship with God. Brings tears to my eyes just typing this sentence. The power He has over me is undeniable. I want to be baptized by next Easter. My ex's mother gave me a bible just the other day. I can't appreciate her thoughtfulness enough. She knew I didn't own one. At some point I did, but have lost it thru so many moves.

And lastly, I want to concentrate more on myself. I'm such a sucker for falling in love. I want to be swept off my feet. I want to be treated right and fairly, the way I think I deserve to be treated. I want to do my best to be patient. Most importantly I want to be a better role model for my sisters and make my dad proud.

Keeping my standards high. Keeping the faith. Never giving up.

PS. This last month has been awesome. Went to Colorado to visit my best friend Nicole. Went to Arcata with the family to visit my sister at college. And within this last week, I've gotten to spend some very grateful time with my ex, whom we're still pretty great friends. His sister has predicted us to be married by 2012... which is bizarre!!! But super dreamy! He has picked me up and taken me out to sushi, to a new restaurant we both enjoyed very much. Took me out for drinks. Watched movies; even let me pick out a chick flick. Bought wine and pizza. Enjoyed a very peaceful Easter Sunday with him, his little girl, and his family. I'm very impressed and feel very loved.

Sweet Anna

2011-04-21T09:37:00.000-07:00

Baby, we have something in common: we'll always be daddy's girls. Someday, if you haven't figured it out yet in your beautiful and wonderful mind, that your daddy loves you so much!! What an amazing man he is. He stepped up to the plate and took control of your future and well being. I wish I could match his success and be an amazing mother/friend to you. I hope that someday, I am blessed to call you my own someday. But if that day doesn't come, I want you to realize how much I adore you and how much you mean to me. You are a bright, happy, intelligent, marvelous little lady. You are one of the most influential and remarkable 2 year olds I've ever met. I've only known you for a few months, but you have impacted my life greatly. Though I am not sure were your father and I are in terms of a relationship, I pray that some day I share his heart with you, and with that, I promise to never let you down and always be a woman you can count on. I love you Anna.

Life Without Losing

2011-04-04T01:14:00.000-07:00

Ain't no other way to explain or describe it. I'm blessed & still kickin'.

I'd like to get through a day without crying

Night without asking why I can't stop thinking about you

Get through a song without thinking

I'm drowning, I'm sinking

Wondering how I'm ever gonna get through

But my feet just keep moving

And I know the truth is

Nobody get through life without losing

Jinx!

2011-03-30T01:56:00.000-07:00

Well. I don't know what to say. My heart aches and my stomach turns. This is the reoccurring, never ending story of my life. "I still care about you." But you care about her more.

I can't help but to beat myself up. I blame myself. I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have done that. Could have done better. Should have never stopped.

How is it that at almost 26 years old, I still find myself making the same damn wrong decisions? Acting so naive! Letting my guard down and risking it all to get close with another man. I can't express how WONDERFUL it felt to know that someone finally appreciated, wanted, and loved me the way I am. And I felt it! Someone I had the most explosive chemical, emotional, spiritual, mental connection with. I seriously know that my soul fell in love with his soul. Never thought that would happen in my lifetime, but it did.

Maybe I deserve this? This is what I get!! Haha Dev. Pay back. I'm cursed. I know it! I am always right. How can I sleep? Where do I go from here? I don't want to go anywhere. Patiently waiting for things to work out in my favor. I never get what I want. Never.

The longest and shortest love. Is it really over?

"Promise me you'll always be happy by my side & I'll promise to sing to you when all the music dies."

Caught Up

2011-03-27T02:46:00.000-07:00

A midnight, sleepless night attempt at my first ever poem...

sleepless nights keep me up

these thoughts dont help and i'm alone

hold me close all night

maybe i was wrong 'cause i wear my heart on my sleeve

i build up these walls and they're paper thin

i crash and burn and you win me over again
stay strong, be brave, i belong to me

i want to feel wanted, needed, and loved

wish i had you now, i wonder if things would be easy

i wish i could fall asleep but my heart and mind fight

which one should i follow, which one is right?

dont give up, continue to fight

maybe some of these feelings are wrong

i hope i am right

dont let me go, i promise to you

you'll never be lonely and i want you badly

go fast, slow down, don't stop, keep going

so many emotions that keep me wondering

Real Love

2011-03-20T23:51:00.000-07:00

I have the world's BEST boyfriend. Here is a little poem/note he wrote for me:

I love you madly, I love you deeply.

This love is a mountain which rises steeply.

I love your eyes, I love your lips.

I love my hands around your hips.

I love you like, a child does its teddy.

I'll love you in marriage, just let me know when you're ready.

I love your smell and the feelings it gives me.

I love that when you leave, minutes pass, and already you miss me.

I love that I found you, again, my second chance.

but I knew that I loved you since that very first glance.

I love you I love you...and I still love you more.

And I love the thoughts of what the future has in store.

I love you Devon.

Built Tough

2011-03-15T20:09:00.000-07:00

Recently, just this last Saturday, my car's transmission died in the fast lane at one of the most busiest intersections in town: Truxtun & Coffee Rd -- not too mention there was also massive construction. Unable to reach my boyfriend nor anyone else for that matter, my dad who was working (yes, on a Saturday & without a day off in who knows how long) across town took time off work to come pick me up and help me with my scary and stressful situation. Here comes daddy to save the day!! Woo!

Not only did my dad show up for moral support, but he paid to have my car towed to the shop. $2100 transmission repair later, my dad also covered the bill (which I will have to repay). I couldn't feel anymore blessed or thankful for my father. I rarely ask for much. He has filled up my gas tank in dire bad times for me, but never have I needed him so bad. And I am so happy and grateful for him!!

My dad is currently fighting his second phase of prostate cancer. Ten years ago, my dad was first diagnosed and treated. In the last year or so, the cancer came back even stronger than the first time. Supposedly, he has stated that the cancer is becoming under control and going away. My dad is 60 years old and still working his butt off.

My father is seriously one of the most hardest working and strongest men I know -- physically and mentally. He has made mistakes and learned from them, puts his kids first no matter what -- even to the point that he wears old, destroyed underwear and will provide and buy for his children before himself. Don't get me wrong, there are times where he can be the grumpiest, meanest, biggest jerk in the whole world, show no sympathy or sorrow and continue to argue and fight -- it's his way or the highway. But, his actions, ideas, theories, and philosophy never fails. Love you dad.

Wow, Life

2011-03-13T23:51:00.000-07:00

I found this blog I posted on Myspace on June 13, 2009, and I was quite impressed with my writing, so I decided to post it on here.

What is the purpose of life? Why are we here? Why do you wake up every morning?

There is so much going on inside my head, that it is clearly impossible to put everything down on paper. And even if I did, I doubt it would make sense. Talk about writer's block, I don't even know where to start!

Life.

We all get this one shot, at this so called, "wonderful" life. We are all slowly dying, believe it or not, we're only getting older. Life is cut short to some and others get opportunities they probably don't deserve. Some people learn from their mistakes and others are stupid as fuck. Bad things happen to good people and bad people get away with murder.

What are we doing? What is the ultimate goal? What keeps us ticking? Is it love? Is it success? Is is power or wealth? Is it because of your kids? Why?

I guess I seem to be having some sort of early mid life crisis. Haha, not really, but how else can I describe these feelings and thoughts? I'm 24, and yes I know that is still young to do and change some many things, but quite frankly, I have lost my path. What is my path? Which direction am I going in? I feel like someone spun me around a billion times and then pushed me and said GO.

The human mind is quite amazing. People are surprising. This world and the human race is so god damn weird. I guess I just don't get it yet...

Mystery

2011-03-07T01:48:00.000-08:00

Just when I knew things were too good to be true... my pessimistic beliefs came true.

Valentine's day weekend was great! Boyfriend and I got away to Santa Barbara, and we had a fabulous time! I enjoyed myself to the fullest. More importantly, this was our first mini getaway and I had a great time with him.

So Valentine's day comes, and I am completely thrown under the bus! I start feeling this mysterious illness I've experienced before. The best way I can describe the feeling is that I am completely fatigued, lethargic, and I feel like I'm "buzzed" 24-7! I sleep more than I breathe oxygen. I'm not kidding. I'm a ridiculous zombie! Never really any other symptoms other than that. I'm completely NOT myself. I have NO energy. I ignore people and I feel completely incapable of driving or working.

Well there goes my PERFECT job. I lost the job I've been working so hard to find and achieve. Gone. Just like that! I missed 2 weeks of work! And event hough I submitted a doctor's note, it was too late.

So now, here I am at 2:04AM Monday, unable to sleep. I painted my nails. I'm listening to music. I feel overwhelmed. I need a job fast!! What am I going to do?!? I lost this great job all that I blame on this stupid illness which I have NO idea is. It happens every few months. The last time was Father's day... before that it was New Year's eve 2009/2010. And it goes back before that too. I hate it!!! I wish it would stop happening to me and just leave me and my life alone.

I hope this doesn't happen again... but I have to stay positive and fight hard.

OUT WITH THE OLD & IN WITH THE NEW

2011-01-24T08:09:00.000-08:00

An update is much needed. *sigh* 2011 *big sigh*

Well, the trending and most hottest topic right now in my life, would have to be the remarkable, unbelievable boyfriend. Not only is he a new love in my life, but we've known each other since we were 15! Cute right? Words cannot describe the way I feel. Having him. Knowing him. Loving him. The best word to spell it all out: BLESSED!! My prayers have been answered, and they continue to get answered every day I'm with him. The gratefulness and appreciation I have for him, is SO high. Not only do I appreciate him, but I feel appreciated as well! For once, a man of my liking can see how good I am and how good I can be! The physical and emotional connection I have with him, is something so completely unreal -- it's phenomenal. You were meant for me & I was meant for you... ♥

Ok so on to more updates. I got another job, working for a credit union. I really enjoy it a lot. It has been good to me and I like it. Just last week, after my probation period was up, they offered me a full-time position!! So thankful that my hard work has been paying off.

I'm currently living with my dad. My dad is fighting his second round of prostate cancer. It was worst than before but it's getting better... or so that's what the doctor and dad reported.

You're Not Sorry

2010-12-10T22:09:00.000-08:00

All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around.
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down.

And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out.
And you're thinking we'll be fine again
But not this time around...

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can say that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, no, no

Looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
You're not sorry, no, no, oh

You had me falling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no

Not Interested

2010-08-24T15:42:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm Devon. I am a single 25 year old who works part time at the front desk of a gym for minimum wage. I can't go to school because I can't afford it. I can't even afford my own bills, as a matter of fact, they keep calling me daily asking me to make a payment.

How did I get in this mess? Why am I here? I use to do so well!! I had the money to pay for my bills and I was always the kind friend who picked up the tab when I went out with my girlfriends. I could afford to go places and buy myself a few things here and there.

I am desperately trying to better myself, and it just seems so impossible! Constantly climbing up this hill, which has now become a mountain, and with no signs of reaching the top. My most important motivation comes from a man I am so passionate about. I want to better myself and do better so that hopefully he'll look my way and give me a chance. Never been so desperate for a certain man's attention and affection as this one. Maybe it's because we have such a long history together. We've known each other for so long and I've wanted him for so long. Getting closer to him everyday and falling even harder for him, doesn't make anything easier. For once, I may have a chance with him - or so it feels like it. I feel like I'm crushing over a movie star, and I'm just the girl who pays to go watch his movies.

I'm tired of feeling alone. Not having someone to call me own. Tried of being the "friend." I want to be more. I want someone to want me as badly as I want them!! I want to feel loved, wanted, and appreciated. I want to feel important to someone. I wanna be someone.

Jealousy

2010-06-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

I pray to God to discard of this jealousy feeling. It eats me up and confuses the heck out of me. God, give me patience, strength, and knowledge to better myself. It's some what exhausting when you put so much time, effort, words, feelings, emotions, money, etc... into a person or thing, and you don't get back the kind of results you're looking for. I realize I get attached easily. Whether that's good or not I don't know. But I've never been a girl to settle with someone... actually, I take that back, I settled for my ex, he was NOTHING of what I wanted, but I grew to like/love him. Okay but back to me and what I really want... I've always been a chaser, never chased. I seek and go after the man I like and pursue him to the fullest. Multiple that by a billion and you can see my current dilemma with my current crush of all time. Someone who you never thought imaginable and some what impossible... BAM, I found him, got a little bit of him, and I love the taste. But who am I to call him my own? I desperately wish he was. DESPERATELY. God knows I'd do anything to have him. Ignorance is bliss. I feel like a soldier who has been training for battle, and I'm standing at the battleground waiting and looking for some action, and no one is here. I use this analogy in comparison to my experiences in life and relationships and I'm ready and prepared to be in a relationship.

Patience Devon. Patience.

Make a wish

2010-06-15T23:11:00.000-07:00

I tried to go to bed about 30 mins ago, but a restless mind and body prevented me from falling asleep. I’m about to play Sims 3, but before I do, I figured I’d make a wish and maybe write a blog as well.

I’m not at home. I’m at my friend’s apartment, which just so happens to be this guy I’ve been crazy for about the last 3 years. To be exact, in 1 week, 3 years ago, I reconnected with him, and have been struck by cupid ever since. A lot has happened in 3 years. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 5 ½ years and I married and divorced an Army soldier. He also had his 2^nd child with now his ex-wife. Crazy how fast, yet slow 3 years has been! And we’ve remained best of friends throughout it all.

So I’m now sitting on his couch. Listening to the fan above me slowly spin around. I can hear him moving around in bed. I wonder if he knows I’m not in bed with him. It’s completely dark, only my computer screen illuminates the darkness…

After I got off work early this morning, I brought to his place breakfast. Starbucks coffee and snacks, which I no longer get my partner discount – such a bummer! I made my friend dinner; ready by the time he got out of the shower after a long day at work. I also made him 2 sandwiches for work tomorrow, and I put lotion on his tough, dry, hard working hands, and tickled his back until he fell asleep. I also cleaned and straightened up his cozy little apartment throughout the day. Before I started dinner, I managed to pick up his favorite Starbucks drink, ice free, ready for him in the morning as well. I really like being domestic. It’s rewarding to know that I am helping him out and that, hopefully, he appreciates me helping him. He was supposed to have his kids tonight, but because he worked so late, for the first time, he actually switched to tomorrow night to get them. I miss his kids! They are adorable, energetic, intelligent little boys. The cutest part is that they actually enjoy spending time with me, just as much as I like spending time with them! And his oldest tells me he loves me; just melts my heart (big smile). I love them too.

I guess what makes my mind so restless is that fact that I desperately wish my “friend with benefits” was more than just that. I desperately love him, and he knows it. I care about him (and his family) so much. I wish we were more than just friends, but that is completely up to him! We are almost a couple, minus the title and commitment; commitment on his half. I’m already committed more than I should be, but it’s because he is what I really want. Timing and ironic sequence of events couldn’t have aligned any better for us to be together. Unfortunately for me, he is not ready for another commitment so soon. When I wonder? God only knows. I’m confused because I feel like I’m doing TOO MUCH as a friend, that if I were his girlfriend (or wife for that matter), all that I do for him would be more approved and endorsed. I know he has other female friends, but I could never see any of them buying a few groceries for his apartment, washing his laundry, or even changing his bird’s cage. He gave me a key to his apartment. What does that mean? Was it for a one time thing, does he want the key back? It’s quite confusing because [1] I enjoy what I do for him and with him, and [2] it’s way more than asked of me as a “friend.” Everything a couple is and does, but without the title and commitment. So if I stop now, and take a little step back, does this make me a bad friend? Do I lose the privileges and pleasure of being that extra close, friend with benefits? What do I do? My sister asked me today what was up with me and him, and I said, “nothing, same ol’ same ol’. “ And she said, “Devon, why are you still doing this? Give it up.” I replied with confidence and poise, “I can’t. I like him way too much and I can’t just give up everything that I have with him.”

So much on the mind! Maybe I should just go play my Sims now… which by the way, yes you guessed it… is my make believe, perfect life with him (big smile)…

11:11 PM

And if tomorrow if you are still just a friend, I’ll stay up to 11:11 again!

Douche Bag

2010-05-04T18:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm doing a lot better than I was a few weeks ago. I have been severely depressed and even contemplated suicide to end all of my pain. Even though the thought of ending my life is always in the back of my mind, I am doing my best to move forward and to keep trying and to not give up. Even though it seems like every day there is always something there pushing me down, making everything so difficult. I am struggling to stay afloat.

Yesterday, I discovered that my ex-husband, has already remarried. Not only did he just get back from Iraq in October 2009, but our marriage was officially annulled in December 2009. How does he meet someone and marry them so fast in a matter of 3-4 months? It just makes me sick and to think that our whole relationship was a joke; he used me and I was naive and gullible enough to fall for him. It hurts to me because I tried so hard for what I believed in. For better or worst and I stuck with it. He wanted me to get his name tattooed to show him how committed I was, and stupid me, I did. Still upsets me to this day. He used me in every which way shape and form. There is nothing I can do now, but move on and learn from this miserable mistake. Thanks dude, you are a complete idiot and a disgusting human being.

Change

2010-03-10T20:36:00.000-08:00

I'm not a big fan of change. Good change is welcomed. But when things change and you're not ready for it, it kinda sucks!

I feel very lonely in this big world. I have lost all of my closest friends. My ex left me. I feel very abandoned and forgotten. I'm not a very sociable person to begin with. I'm use to being in a relationship, and spending my time with them. Being single has been a huge challenge for me. I have never enjoyed it to tell you the truth. I miss having someone to hold. Always having someone to "hang out" with, relax, chill, do things and go places with.

I'm trying to figure out who I am. Trying to find a place in this world. I don't mean anything to anyone. No one relies or depends on me. I am simply just me. Hopeless romantic.

I feel like everything I try my best at or commit to, everything always backfires and burns me in the face. I lose all motivation and determination. I get discouraged very easily. And I'm very impatient.

God help me. Please help me be strong and carry on... Please help me be positive!

Untouchable

2010-02-24T21:24:00.000-08:00

I guess I should have been more cautious. I was so vulnerable and naive. I get attached too easily. I can honestly say this hurts the worst. Someone who you gave ALL you had to. My feelings were so strong and pure. Still are. When you've been so wrapped out in something you can't call your "own" and something that was never yours to begin with. I can't help but think what's wrong with me? What did I do wrong? How can things go from being so wonderful to so cold and horrible... so fast? What happened?

I can't stop listening to this song. Plays in my head even when I'm not listening to it...

Untouchable like a distant diamond sky.
I'm reachin out and I just can't tell you why.
I'm caught up in you, I'm caught up in you.
Untouchable burnin brighter than the sun,
And when you're close I feel like comin undone.

In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream
It's like a million little stars spellin out your name
You gotta, come on, come on, say that we'll be together,
Come on, come on, little taste of heaven.

It's half full and I won't wait here all day.
I know you're sayin that you'd be here anyway.
But you're untouchable burnin brighter than the sun,
Now that you're close I feel like comin undone.

In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream
It's like a million little stars spellin out your name
You gotta, come on, come on, say that we'll be together,
Come on, come on, oh

In the middle of the night we could form this dream.
I wanna feel you by my side, standin next to me.
You gotta, come on, come on, say that we'll be together.
Come on, come on, little taste of heaven.

Oh, Oh.
I'm caught up in you.
Oh, Oh, Oh.

Untouchable burnin brighter than the sun,
And when you're close I feel like comin undone.
In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream
It's like a million little stars spellin out your name*
You gotta, come on, come on, say that we'll be together,
Come on, come on, oh

In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream
It's like a million little stars spellin out your name
You gotta, come on, come on, say that we'll be together,
Come on, come on, little taste of heaven.

Relief

2010-02-16T10:01:00.000-08:00

Well, things are looking up now. I have some money coming back thanks to my tax refund. And with 2 jobs now, I should start seeing some money hopefully! It's such a relief because I feel like I have been in this huge, dark hole, unable to get a way out. Now I just have to work hard and make smart decisions! Praying for my success... :)

Sunday

2010-01-17T14:56:00.000-08:00

Well I don't have much to blog about, so I guess I will just blog about an update on my life...

Right now, I'm watching the San Diego Chargers game and baking some homemade peanut butter cookies. Chargers are winning, yay!! I worked this morning at Starbucks. I just got a second job at In-Shape Sports Club. I work in the kids club and also the front desk. I love it, it's fun and easy. I also start school next week. I'm only taking one class, it's all I can really afford at this time, but I plan on doing well in the class.

I'm still single. My marriage was officially annulled on December 1, 2008. That's a relief to be over with, but I'm still fighting on getting my name off of the car loan that we got together. I'm praying that he will refinance it on his own, so I don't have to take him to court and short sale the car. I will do whatever it takes to get all strings detached between him and I.

I'm still living at home with my mom and step dad. Life here is truly great, I have no complaints. My grandfather passed away on January 9th; he was 85 years old and died from heart complications. I was a pall bearer and talked at the podium. It was a short and sweet service, but very hard and emotional. It was very nice to see my cousins and aunt. I feel bad for my grandma, to lose the one she loves. My grandparents were married for 60 years!

Well for the time being, I'm just concentrating on myself. I want to get completely out of credit card debt. I want to put forth my nursing career goals and enjoy life. I better finish my cookies! It has been a peaceful Sunday.

Never Good Enough

2009-12-16T21:43:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking nonstop lately if I will ever find a guy who can measure up to my standards. Are my standards too high? Do I lower them for people because I give them excuses? Does such a guy exist?? I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. As badly as I crave and want someone to love me and all the other lovely things that go along with having a boyfriend, I'm just not sure I'm ready to let someone get that close to me. I don't know if I could ever trust another guy again. I think I'm content with being single for a while... until Mr. Right comes along and sweeps me off my feet....

Ya right. lol

Lucky

2009-12-14T08:33:00.000-08:00

That's how I feel. LUCKY. Every day that I get to see him and spend time with him, I feel 110% grateful that I got to be apart of his day and time! I never thought I could care about someone this much, and we're mostly just friends. Someday, hopefully when the time is right, I'd love to be more than just friends... but for the time being, I'm just patiently waiting for everything to fall into place.

I never thought I'd see myself being with him. Basically a lifelong crush; and now these dreams of mine are becoming reality! I'm doing my best. Putting everything I have been thru, learned, and experienced to the test, and applying it all to this relationship. I want the best, because he IS the best. I hope it all works out in the end...

Deeper and Deeper

2009-11-13T12:23:00.001-08:00

I'm sick of spilling my guts and my feelings. I feel so bottled up and empty at the same time. I'm tired of opening up to people and losing that relationship. I don't want anyone to get close with me, yet I crave that closeness with other people. Sometimes I wonder if these wounds will ever heal? Seems like they start to heal and then all these deep cuts get open again and bleed more than ever.

Ugh. I need to stop being so depressed and lame!

You're exactly my brand of heroine

2009-11-10T17:35:00.001-08:00

Like a drug, that good feeling is gone. It's kind of like rain, it's so beautiful and when the rain stops, everything is wet and miserable. Dreams are over and reality sets in. It's kind of a harsh reminder that nothing good lasts forever. I should stop, but it's not easy. I became attached and I shouldn't have. So much I want to tell him, but I feel like just keeping everything inside and to myself.

Everyday is the start to something beautiful.

Awkward...?

2009-11-07T15:00:00.000-08:00

I don't really know what to think of my situation. There is this guy that I completely adore, and we spend so much time together, and I have told him how I feel about him, but yet I have no clue where we stand or how he feels about me. I like him and don't want to see anyone else but him. I'm not interested in anyone else nor do I care about dating anyone else. I got to spend some time today with him and his youngest boy. I enjoyed my time playing with him, but I slightly felt awkward, because I didn't know where I fit in? I like being apart of his life, and of course his boys are a big part of his life! I had a good time with them. :)

Feels Right

2009-10-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe this is a little personal, but I can't help but love this good feeling I've been having.

It's been so long it seems since I have had this feeling of being wanted and loved. Even in my short and pathetic 11 month marriage, have I ever felt this wonderful. For starters, I'm truly blessed and lucky to spend so much time with him, and in return, I feel honored that he wants to spend his time with me. I feel like a young high school girl, who's crush finally smiled and noticed her! Today of all days, has been quite different... he called me because he was thinking of me?! AhhhhHHHhhh. How sweet right? I mean, we always talks like normal, but that fact that he admitted he was thinking of me... my heart melted just a bit at that moment.

I've never wanted someone so bad. I have never had this much respect and affection for someone as I do for him. I sincerely want to make him happy. I want to se him smile! Awww he brings a smile to my face and always makes my days brighter. I want to do everything right with him, and pray that with time, things only get better!!

Fearless

2009-09-20T20:01:00.000-07:00

Colbie wrote this song about going thru difficult times in your life and always staying strong.

I love this song so much.

If that's the way you love
You've got to learn so much
If that's the way you say goodbye

And this is how it ends
And I'm alright within
Never going to see me cry
Cause I've cried

Chorus:
So go on, go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love
Out on the street
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless

So oh woh oh woh oh...

If this is how it hurts
It couldn't get much worse
If this is how it feels to fall

Then that's the way it is
We live with what we miss
We learn to build another wall
Till it falls

Chorus:
So go on go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love
Out on the street
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless

So oh woh oh woh...

If it's between love and losing
To never have known the feeling
And I'm still sad we've loved

And if I end up lonely
At least I will be there knowing
I believe in love

Go on, go on break my heart
I'll be okay
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless

Go on, go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love
Out on the street
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless

So oh woh oh...

So go on and leave my love
Go on and leave my love
Go on and leave my love
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless
Fearless...

If You Only Knew

2009-09-08T09:28:00.001-07:00

I want to fall asleep next to you every night.

I want to be the first thing on your mind in the morning.

When you think of me, I hope you smile.

I wanna be "your girl."

I want to take care of all your needs and wants.

I want you to rush home to me, because I'm the only one you desire.

I want to go places with you.

Hold your hand in public.

I want you to kiss me good night every night.

I want us to smile and laugh and always have a good time together.

I want to cuddle on the couch/bed and watch movies/tv together.

I don't think you know how much I want you.

You belong with me.

What I Wanted To Say

2009-08-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

I should've done something again
I did nothing watch us separate
What should I do now run and chase You down I can't hesitate

Cause all I wanted to say was something real
All I want you to know is how I feel
All I wanted to give was my heart but I'm stuck here at the start

It's on the tip of my tongue but I'm still afraid
Sometimes the only things words do is get in the way
Sometimes the easiest things are the hardest to say
But I don't want to lose you, drive you away
I dont want to confuse you,

I need you to say

only wish you knew what i wanted to say

only wish you knew what i wanted to say

my hands are shaking
i'm yours for the taking
dont you hesitate
please just do one thing
one small sign something
lets jump off the edge

cause all i want you to say is something real

all i wanted to know is how you feel

all i wanted you to give is your heart

but we're stuck here at the start

its on the tip of my tongue

but im still afraid

sometimes the only things words do is get in the way

sometimes the easiest things are the hardest to say

but i dont want to lose you drive you away

i dont want to confuse you i need you to say

only wish you knew what i wanted to say

only wish you knew what i wanted to say

its on the tip of my tongue

but im still afraid

sometimes the only things words do is get in the way

sometimes the easiest things are the hardest to say

but i dont want to lose you

i dont wanna lose you
no i dont wanna lose you
no i dont wanna lose you
i shouldve done something
i shouldve done something
i shouldve done something
but i never wanted to
i shouldve done something
i shouldve done something
i shouldve done something
but i never wanted to
i dont wanna lose you
no i dont wanna lose you
i shouldve done something
i shouldve done something
i shouldve done something
but i never wanted to

11:11

2009-08-24T23:10:00.000-07:00

I've always wished for you.

FYI: If you don't already know, the Mayans were an incredibly advanced, ancient Mexican civilization with extraordinary skills in astronomy and math. Their 26,000 year-old calendar officially ends on December 21, 2012 at (you guessed it) 11:11. This date marks a re-birth of our world according to the Mayans. This new world we are moving towards is all about oneness rather than separation.

Who Are We To Judge?

2009-08-18T12:39:00.000-07:00

I have meet so many religious hypocrites, people with bad intentions, integrity, and iniquity throughout the years, that it makes it very difficult to believe in God or religion. This is why I have chosen to remain agnostic until I discover the truth upon myself.

Those are are humble in faith will not speak out, hypocrites are the weak individuals who lack humility in everything. Who are we to judge? We are all sinners. You preach one thing and live your life totally differently. Does religion CAUSE hypocrisy? Religion gives the insecure security. That security breeds false confidence in your own sanctity.

2nd Time

2009-08-09T23:51:00.000-07:00

I did a nighttime photo shoot with Alan of Illusive Photography on Saturday. I am quite impressed with the results, its very different to see the photos, because when you're modeling you can see what the photographer sees. The photos came out great!! I liked them a lot, and I think that Alan's "hobby" is very professional. He is creative and is great at photography.

Some things I wish I would have done differently was get/hire a hair and makeup person. My face and hair just looks average, and I wanted to go beyond "average." I wanted a more dramatic look, with phenomenal hair and make up.

Overall I was quite pleased, and had very good feedback. I learned a lot of tricks of modeling and photography as well. I'm curious to see where this modeling thing can take me, even if I don't make any money from it, the overall experience will be worth wild!

Thank you Alan for this wonderful experience, and I look forward to working with you again!

Angels & Demons

2009-07-27T21:45:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting here on the floor in my bedroom... cooling off underneath the fan, catching my breath and trying to relax my mind and body....

I think that He puts demons in our lives as obstacles and angels to help guide us the right direction down this journey called "life."

When I think of my angels, I grin softly.... and I can't help but cry when I think of all the demons in my life and how hard it is to ignore them and overcome their evil! It's so hard. But then I look at my angels and smile, and I continue to go forward and try to best I can.

I want to quit.... and then you give me hope.

Can't help myself

2009-07-23T22:48:00.000-07:00

Hey Stephen, I know looks can be deceiving

But I know I saw a light in you

And as we walked we were talking

I didn't say half the things I wanted to

Of all the girls tossing rocks at your window

I'll be the one waiting there even when it's cold

Hey Stephen, boy, you might have me believing

I don't always have to be alone

'Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel

Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain so

Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you

Can't help it if there's no one else

Mmm, I can't help myself

Hey Stephen, I've been holding back this feeling

So I got some things to say to you

I've seen it all, so I thought

But I never seen nobody shine the way you do

The way you walk, way you talk, way you say my name

It's beautiful, wonderful, don't you ever change

Hey Stephen, why are people always leaving?

I think you and I should stay the same

'Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel

Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain so

Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you

Can't help it if there's no one else

Mmm, I can't help myself

They're dimming the street lights, you're perfect for me

Why aren't you here tonight?

I'm waiting alone now, so come on and come out

And pull me near and shine, shine, shine

Hey Stephen, I could give you fifty reasons

Why I should be the one you choose

All those other girls, well, they're beautiful

But would they write a song for you?

I can't help it if you look like an angel

Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain so

Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you

Can't help it if there's no one else

Mmm, I can't help myself

If you look like an angel

Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain so

Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you

Can't help it if there's no one else

Mmm, I can't help myself

Myself

Can't help myself

I can't help myself

Funny the Way It Is

2009-05-06T00:32:00.000-07:00

Lying in the park on a beautiful day

The sunshine in the grass

And the children play

Sirens passing fire engine red

Someone's house is burning down

On a day like this

The evening comes and we're hanging out

On a front step and a car goes by

With the windows rolled down

And that war song is playing

Why can't we be friends

Someone is screaming and crying

In the apartment upstairs

Funny the way it is

Make you think about it

Somebodies going hungry

And someone else is eating out

Funny the way it is

Not right or wrong

Somebodies heart is broken

And it becomes your favorite song

The way your mouth feels in your lover's kiss

Like a pretty bird on the breeze

Or water to a fish

The bomb blast brings the building crashing to the floor

Hear the laughter

While the children play war

Funny the way it is

Make you think about it

One kid walks ten miles to school

An others dropping out

Funny the way it is

Not right or wrong

A soldiers last breath

His babies being born

Standing on a bridge

Watch the water passing underneath

It must have been much harder

When there was no bridge just water

Now the world is small

Compared to how it use to be

With mountains and oceans

And winters and rivers and stars

Funny the way it is

Make you think about it

One kid walks ten miles to school

An others dropping out

Funny the way it is

Not right or wrong

A soldiers last breath

His babies being born

Funny the way it is

Not right or wrong

Somebodies broken heart

And it becomes your favorite song

Funny the way it is

Make you think about it

One kid walks ten miles to school

An others dropping out

Standing on a bridge

Watch the water passing underneath

It must have been much harder

When there was no bridge just water

Now the world is small

Compared to how it use to be

With mountains and oceans

And winters and rivers and stars

Owning a Pet

2009-04-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

It bothers me how some pet owners are...

Vaccines are important! Just because animals can't talk, doesn't mean they don't need to be protected against all the damages of the world. If you can't afford to pay for office visits, shots, and so on, why bother even owning a pet?? It's not really fair to the animal. Pets to me, are apart of the family. So when a newborn baby is brought into the world and family, would you not get the baby's shots or vaccines? If you are not planning on breeding your pets, I believe in spay and neutering. One, its healthier for the pet, and two, its less of a mess or unplanned pregnancy!

Grrrr. Some people bother me.... Maybe I'm all strict and psycho about pet owning, but I like to think that I was a responsible pet owner, I did my job and duty, and provided and took care of my dogs. After losing my first family pet to cancer - which probably could have been prevented if she were spayed at an earlier age - has always made me take pet owning seriously. Who wants to lose a pet to something that could have been prevented?! Preventative medicine is cheaper than diagnosing and treating symptoms and problems.

Life is simple. Keep it simple, don't make it complicated...

Sorry if this offends anyone... this is MY blog page, if you don't like, DON'T READ IT.

The need to blog

2009-02-26T18:41:00.000-08:00

Well this is my first blog. Just kind checking this thing out. Don't know how it all works or looks.

BLAH!

Sometimes I just feel like I have so much on my mind and no one to tell or listen. I've been having a lot of problems with my marriage. It's taking a lot of strain on me. Mentally and physically. I feel exhausted. I just wish I could close my eyes and when I open, everything is better again...